My podcast partner, Alvean Lyons, and I have been thinking about a joint book project. The working title is The Puzzle People. You might think that the book is about people’s behavior, after all people can be very puzzling, indeed. Or perhaps you have met someone who you simply could not figure out; a human cipher. That would certainly qualify as a puzzle person. Our premise is neither of these, however. In keeping with the focus of our podcast, Love Life, we will be writing about relationships, and in particular the way in which we choose the people in our lives.
The people with whom we are in relationship, our family, loved ones, friends, colleagues and so forth are all part of a fascinating puzzle, one that reveals who we are and what we value. Think of a giant jigsaw puzzle. Each of the pieces is irregular and unique. Each contains a piece of a larger picture, and the pieces fit together to form the entire frame, but they only fit in a singular and specific way. Some pieces provide boundaries, the edges of the puzzle frame, while others are less definitive of themselves but taken as a group display an important part of the overall picture.
Broadly, that’s the premise. Our lives are a puzzle that we are assembling from the day we are born, and how we construct the picture is neither random nor planned, at least by our conscious minds. As a reader of this blog, you and I are pieces of each other’s puzzles. Perhaps we know each other well, perhaps not, it doesn’t matter. Whether we have a history or are simply connected by a weekly post we are in relationship and part of each other’s puzzle.
Why does this matter? Let me suggest a few reasons. First, if we want to know more about who you are, a good place to start is to understand the people around you. Because we chose and continue to choose these people how they see us and the role we play in their lives speaks volumes about who we are. Alvean and I were on a radio call-in show some time ago answering questions from the audience. One caller was particularly distraught over a history of disappointing relationships and wondered if there was anyone ‘out there’ for her. The unstated but key questions was, why do I always seem to choose the wrong people?
Does this seem familiar to you? Have you found yourself in situations that were an unfortunate repetition of your past? Don’t despair, most of us have been there and may be again. It’s a puzzle, and unless we can step back and see how the pieces fit together, there’s a really strong likelihood we will simply keep repeating the same decisions that we’ve made before.
Earlier, I mentioned that some people act like the puzzle pieces at the edges; in personal terms, they tend to define us. They might be teachers, parents, friends, anyone on whose values, standards, opinions or behavior we model ourselves. What is it in them that attracts us? Why do we give them the power to set our boundaries for better or worse? They too are part of our puzzle, and another reason we want to help our readers understand the motivation underlying their choices.
Some relationships make us feel good, and feel good about ourselves, while others can be toxic. How did we find ourselves in these circumstances? We have free will, it should be easy to opt out, but often we don’t, why not? Again, understanding how the puzzle pieces fit and why can give us perspective and understanding to alter the course and fashion durable, affirming and enriching relationships.
I’ll keep you posted on this project as it develops and perhaps from time to time include a snippet or two to gauge your reactions. As we begin a new year, I want to wish you all fewer puzzles in your lives and above all the peace that passes all understanding. Happy New Year.