People argue for many reasons, most of them unjustified but in some cases disagreements become personal, and inevitably hurtful. If this has ever happened to you, and I'll wager it has, you might have been left wondering how things escalated to that extreme. Putting aside those whose pugnacious behavior is a constant and best avoided, most of us can and will fall to the occasion if sufficiently provoked. In the midst of rejection, insult, and pain we are capable of responding in like manner, and one bad turn earns another in response. That's one kind of argument most of us have experienced at one time or another.
There are some other circumstances--typically ones that are chronic in nature, where a conversation or difference of opinion inevitably slides into full on insult and highly charged character assassination. In a seeming instant an apparently even tempered person can become transformed and it is shocking and hurtful to observe much less experience. That is precisely what occurs between two friends of mine.
It helps to have some sense of the two personalities. One is a largely introspective individual, a thoughtful and kind hearted person though someone who seeks affection and approbation having been deprived of it in childhood, and also somewhat set in their ways. The other lives more in the moment and on the surface, even tempered even sweet natured at times, but proudly independent and self protective. It is tempting to say that these two are not well suited to each other but there is also genuine affection between them if a paucity of emotional intelligence.
When they fight, and it is periodic and predictable, their behavior sharpens. One partner will invariably escalate the argument to a personal attack, disparaging and demeaning the other while ignoring the substance of their disagreement. The other will retreat and for days after dwell on what was said internalizing the hurt and self doubt that was induced in the course of the conflict. And the aftermath is a a set up for a predictable recurrence down the road because nothing has been resolved.
It would be tempting to lay blame but not only would that be misguided it would advance nothing to help these two move to a better place. If we unpack what is actually happening when they argue we can see the real mechanisms at work. The quick rise to personal attack by one of the partners is characteristic of a psychological trait known as deflection, a defense that appears on the surface as an offense. What pushes that button in someone is almost always a deeply rooted sense of inadequacy and an inability to acknowledge it. Often, those who exhibit such behavior are not even aware of the underlying cause and defensive about their actions, justifying themselves but nurturing a long lasting sense of injustice.
When this occurs between strangers, there are techniques to redirect the disagreement. Calm neutrality in the face of an insult, acknowledgement of the others' feelings without agreement as to the substantive issue at hand, can sometimes result in a meaningful exchange, but when two people are habituated it is a great deal harder to disengage, much less obtain resolution. Fights like this end with bitterness and lingering negative emotions that will in time lead to another unsatisfactory outcome; rinse and repeat.
Once someone has worked themselves into a lather, altering the course has little chance of succeeding. But at the moment when the first exchange moves from the topic at hand to a personal attack intervention is possible. My counsel to the one friend is to resist the temptation to respond, but instead to tamp down the emotions they are feeling and turn instead to empathy and reassurance. As hard as it may be, simply stopping the escalation, growing quiet, and offering reassurance of your feelings toward the other partner in the midst of the anger, has an arresting and constructive effect. Don't attempt to psycho-analyze or suggest you know what is going on --that will only reignite the flames.
Neither should you point out that the attacker has gone on the offense to divert attention. More than likely they are not conscious of the motives for their behavior, the feelings of inadequacy are typically buried very deep. Meeting their offense without defense allows them to back away from a situation they do not wish to be in, even if it appears otherwise. And recognize that despite their outward manifestation, they heard you even if they responded in anger. It is because they heard you, that they moved to deflect, moved away from the issue at hand to the personal so as to avoid conceding the legitimacy of the issue.
Relationship experts tell us that when a couple ceases fighting, the relationship is over. Unless someone is completely without any degree of self awareness reassurance and the affirmation of a loving connection can arrest and redirect an escalating argument and provide fertile ground for detente and resolution without recrimination. Should you find yourself in a situation such as I've described I hope you'll give some thought to what your opponent is feeling. It isn't always the easiest thing to do when provoked, but isn't it what you would want when you are feeling under siege? When we offer others what we want for ourselves, acceptance, acknowledgement, and affirmation, we are removing the hand clutched around our own throat as well as theirs.
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