Last year at this time I posted the following. Several folks asked to see it again and so here it is but with some amendments in light of our present reality.
Irresolution
As we usher in the New Year it is once again that time when many people make promises to themselves to turn over a new leaf—to remedy past ills or do things that will improve their physical or emotional health. We call these resolutions –the vows we make that social science tells us will last no more than a few weeks before they quietly shuffle offstage.
I asked the owner of my gym about this as many folks sign up for new memberships on or around the New Year. He confirmed that by March the majority of those new members are gone and I can attest to it from personal experience; new faces for a month or so that gradually fade away. So, why do we do this, make promises we ought to know we will not keep?
I’ve taken to calling these vows Irresolutions—weak, vacillating intentions that we’ve made because we think we should but for which we lack real conviction. Yes, in our nobler moments we fully intend to live up to our promises until we are confronted by reality. Change, as we all know, is not easy. But we swear, this time it will be different, we’ll do what we said we would, and the payoff will be worth it. Except the payoff is in the more distant future, while the challenges are in the present.
As I wrote last week, change is not just thrust upon us but a state of being, and worry about its outcome is paying interest on a loan we have not yet taken. We can be certain change will come--but whether it holds prospects for improvement or challenges it is we who will decide how to receive it.
Even the most motivated of us have moments when we are weak, and tempted to give up. That's when it is essential to have the support of friends and family. Having someone other than yourself to whom you are accountable is an insurance policy on making lasting change of any kind. It helps if those to whom you are accountable are folks whose opinion you respect and value. Fear of disappointing them is a powerful emotion that can help prevent backsliding. And it helps if you’ve made your intentions known to an even wider circle, people whose opinion of you matters. Few of us are comfortable giving up on a promise we made in public.
With this in mind these were my resolutions last year, for which I invited you to hold me accountable, and here is my scorecard:
Worry less—embrace uncertainty with optimism. I'd like to say that I did well but that would not be entirely true. I am worried about our country and our future and I have good cause to be. Only time will tell how we move past the extremes of polarization, the rise of acrimony and the re-emergence of the isms regarding race, gender, and governance. But instead of just worrying about it, I am trying in my own way and in my own circle of friends and those I encounter to do what I can to take down the walls that separate us, listen more, and react less.
Be slow to react—patient in responding to the people and events I encounter. I did better with this one though it was a trying year. I'm learning, though slowly, to take a breath and not bottle up negative emotions. More importantly I am learning to let things go when--and this is the key--they don't really matter. That's not to say I or anyone should ever dismiss injustices and inequities, but so much of what we react to in life hardly rises to that level. So, when it doesn't really matter--when nothing of any importance is at stake, a laugh is better than any other reaction.
Laugh more----there are enough tears we'll encounter and cannot prevent, but we can always choose to have tears of joy. I cannot say that I found a lot to laugh at this past year, except my own foibles. But, I did laugh more in the presence of new and old friends, about things I could not change that used to frustrate me, at life's absurdity. I highly recommend it as a tonic for the soul.
Reward kindness wherever and whenever it occurs, the dividends are limitless. I am grateful beyond words for the acts of kindness extended to me and I hope that I have returned the same. When we are wrought, when the world seems to be headed to hell in a hand basket it is even more important to acknowledge the kindness of others and to extend the same. Kindness is a lubricant that no friction can overcome. Try applying it whenever things get squeaky.
As I wrote last year, the things I need or want to alter in my life are a much longer list. Thanks to you for your help this past year as I worked on some of mine, and in return I ask you, how can I help you move beyond irresolution?
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